I was in an abusive relationship with myself

I saw a post with the quote above in it today while searching for something else on Pinterest and it stopped me dead in my tracks.  I had never thought of it this way and probably never would have. 
I think we as superheros are attracted to narcissistic and or controlling relationships in every aspect of our lives. Why? Because those personalities project a feeling of order they appear to have  everything together, and in our lives we crave and seek that order most times because we can't find it in ourselves.  My entire life I never understood why I couldn't fit in, why I constantly felt like I had to work 100 times harder than every other person in this world to be "normal"
Growing up and all until really five years ago or so I hated myself.  I hated almost every single thing about myself.
Why? Well, that's a culmination of a million things grouped with the fact that I wasn't surrounding myself with the right people. In fact I was surrounding myself with the people who poisoned me instead.
I was married to my ex husband for seven years when I finally had the insight to run. I would have kept running If I didn't have my two girls, as far away from that man as humanly possible. He didn't believe in medicine and or adhd and when I was diagnosed during our divorce he tried convincing me that it was pretty much a life sentence of being alone and always being a screw up. No one would ever love me.. I would always, always be alone. It wasn't just him though, it was a broken record of every relationship.  Even after him.   I was chastised and belittled, made to feel guilty about things that were out of my control and blamed for things that went wrong in their lives.  I was told that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and only crazy people took medicine. No one else would ever love me so they will let me stay. The sad part about all of this is that while most or all of this was really said to me by a significant other, but this was also constantly said to me by me.
Well, at the time I couldn't see through it all and I can't begin to tell you how I got where I am now. Because, well you know how long those stories could go and the side stories off of those stories and the ones off of those..... What I want to say here now is that I was wrong. I accepted what I thought and or was told by people (including myself) that really did not care about me. I found out that taking medicine is not for crazy people. Taking medicine helps me to not be a crazy person. I guess crazy is the wrong word there. It helps me do the walking talking have conversations like a grown up thing. It doesn't make me normal. Or get rid of my adhd and I honestly wouldn't want it to but it does help my brain to define and slow down my thoughts. It's like putting on glasses that are the right prescription and looking around and seeing that leaves have definitive lines. I've also learned coping skills like laughing when something random happens (I don't know if it's an adhd thing or not but the craziest things happen to me)  if I didn't learn to laugh at the fact that I tripped on air or. That  I spilled. My coffee..... Again or that I ruined my new shoes because I had to chase a dog who was chasing my chicken... Good times. I'd probably. Be mad all. Of the time. Seriously though it's laughable and incredulously impressive at times the situations I find myself. I will be writing another post on that soon ️
You know what's crazy really? That I didn't realize sooner that I was a big part of what was holding me back. I was contributing to the abusive relationships.  When I did realize that my life changed.

Until next time
Jess 

Don't go down the rabbit hole!!!!

In Alice in Wonderland Alice falls down the rabbit hole into a crazy and honestly somewhat depressing world.  When I'm thinking about depression or getting overwhelmed or over-thinking I always think of the rabbit hole and I'll tell myself over and over  Jessica don't go down the rabbit hole... don't!" let me explain. I think of the rabbit hole as spiraling down into weirdness and depression. Into a place that isn't real but that your mind will convince you is. A place where your mind will want you to stay.  A place that you must not go.
I can tell you all of the positive points of ADHD and trust me there are a ton (see my post on how ADHD makes you a superhero) but don't misunderstand me, I have bad days too.  Days where I get overwhelmed and want to shut down. Where there is so much stimulation and noise and things going on that my brain panics. Hello, I'm a mother of four. I own my own business. I have a farm.  Things get crazy. While we with ADHD at times thrive on all of this there are times when we don't.
I guess my point is that there are going to be bad days, days where your self talk will take over, where your guilt over miniscule things (that aren't miniscule things to you) add up and overwhelm you, where you seriously just can't.  You know what?  That's OK!  It's OK to not be OK.  That being said there is a but.... BUT don't go down the rabbit hole. Don't let it make you spiral and don't let it overtake you.  As my mom would say "Don't unpack your bags and live there!"
So I want you to try this. When you feel yourself getting into this frame of mind stop whatever you are doing and take a break (sometimes this happens when we have been going going going too long), even if it's just for a minute. Sit back in your chair or get up and stretch and take a deep breath and tell yourself "I'm not going to go down the rabbit hole!"
(side note: if you are in public you might want to say this in your head... You know because even if you embrace your weirdness.. Yea.... JUST Trust me lol)

So let me recap:
1. It's OK not to be OK. Not everyday is unicorns and rainbows
(I seriously want a unicorn just saying)
2. A bad day doesn't mean a bad life
3. Don't let yourself go down the rabbit hole. You've got this!

Short... Sweet... I have to go and actually run my business no matter how much I'd rather write books for you all lol
Jess

10 reasons why having ADHD makes you a Superhero

I watched this show once called "psych" where this guy pretended to be psychic and would solve cases etc. The reason everyone always thought he was psychic is because he could look at the big picture, take in every detail and random abnormality in the situation then make an accurate synopsis of what happened.  In the show they actually show as he is figuring out the case or whatever, the little things he heard or saw to help him come to his conclusion. He wasn't psychic, really he was adhd lol!!
I can tell you the ending to almost any movie I'm watching, accurately predict any new recess school kiddo drama and whatever mischief my children seem to think they are so good at hiding.  This  along with a couple of other characteristics of being uniquely adhd is what helped me draw up the conclusion that really adhd is a super power and that it in fact means we are all super heros!!!  Now, before you go and pick out your outfit (no cape, seriously they're  dangerous)  let me tell you why.

(total side note if I were to ever really get to pick out a super hero costume I think yoga pants should be a standard part of them. I mean, comfort,  flexibility, not to mention that who would suspect a woman in yoga pants? )

OK so down to the facts:
1. We see EVERYTHING! Everything. Even the slightest change in someones eyes.
2. We hear everything. (well except when we're hyper focused which leads me to...
3. We can hyper focus on a task.  It's really an amazing thing when it kicks in! Of course it also has to be on the appropriate thing lol!
4.  We remember things that happened days, year, weeks before. (maybe not where the keys to the car are but other random (most of the time helpful) things.
5. We have quirky personalities, you won't ever be bored with a superhero like us.
6. We can solve any problem we put our minds to all while juggling a ton of other things.
7.  We care, we actually genuinely care. Sometimes it may seem like we aren't  taking in everything you say but trust me we are.
8. We read people very well (see one and two)
9. We are extremely passionate and Persistant (additional power to point 6)
10. Often times we are more empathetic. We are able to see every side to a situation as we know what it's like to struggle and instead of getting frustrated (not all but most of the time) we are able to instead go to plan b (or c, or d, or e... You get the picture)

Really there are more reasons but I'll start with that. 
So, how does it feel to know you are a super hero?  Are you ready to pick out your Cape free super hero outfit?  It's going to be awesome I just know it!!! 
Alright, until next time... I'm going to go design my outfit as I have a little time between my next task lol!  Next time or maybe the time after (still working on committing to certain things but you understand) I'll update you on how my new routine app is going. Today is the first day!!! If it works it might be a good tool for you. Yay! I'm your Guinea pig!
(side note: I always wanted a Guinea pig because their so stinkin cute. I would name him Edward or maybe Frank.... Fred?)
See you next time (enter super hero theme music here)

Jess aka the absent minded farm Momma

I used to hate the H in ADHD

When they decided to lump add/adhd together as one diagnosis I will admit I was miffed. I thought "What about all of us who are more of the inattentive side?"  I was worried that it would create confusion, that it would categorize all with the original stereotype.  People would think we all were school aged boys bouncing off the walls like in one of the original studies on ADHD.   I was ADD.  I went out of my way to say I was ADD and not ADHD.  (Not that I think there is anything wrong with those that present with the hyper side it just didn't set well with me to be labeled hyper when I wasn't)  But I was wrong... I was hyper. The more I researched however, the more I realized that we ARE all ADHD!  Hear me out.   Why are those who present the more hyper side hyper?  Because it is there way of dealing with all of the hyper activity in their brain.  I was never hyper as a child. Goofy, yes, awkward ummmmm Yes, hyper outwardly? No.  But really inside my brain  I was bouncing off the walls (figuratively).  My reaction to the inner hyperness was just different.  My ADHD is not your ADHD, each of us are different.  Sure, we all have common characteristics but each of us are our own person.
I no longer have a problem with the term ADHD.  There will always be that stereotype when people hear it, but it is easier now for me to explain it to people. Yes, I'm ADHD the hyper side of it is in my thoughts.   Another tool I use on a regular basis is the Dr. Amon study "7 types of adhd"  it's a really good read and so interesting.  Which type of ADHD are you??  They actually have a test you can take!!!  Go here   (these are my opinions I am in no way receiving any sort of compensation for sharing this)

I will talk more about my types in my next post as well as tell you why having ADHD is really like having super powers.... you didn't know you were a super hero did you?

For now, remember to embrace the hot mess, the quirkiness, the intelligence, and in all honesty the super hero that you are!!!  

Jessica 

My name is Jessica and I have ADHD

I have wanted to start this blog on a different direction and maybe, just maybe help others to understand ADHD a little bit more.  I am in no way a Dr but I have lived with it for 33 years and when I was diagnosed as an adult it was life changing.  I have binged on research and watched any YouTube video I can find (seriously. Love the channel "How to ADHD" )  the problem I have have is that there aren't many blogs etc that talk about being a mom with ADHD, let alone an ADHD mom who runs a rapidly growing business/has a farm/ is a "crazy" chicken lady.... You pick up what I'm throwing down.   So, before I get into the billions of things I'd love to say or topics I'm absolutely over excited to talk about, I thought it would be important to introduce myself:

My name is Jessica
I am 33 years old
I have four human kiddos (two by birth, two by seriously amazing luck)
27 feathered chicken children, 16 feathered duck rebels,  a growing herd of cow children, and a host of other fur babies.
I am married to probably the most amazing and most understanding man I have ever met in my life (trust me pure luck on this one)  he cheers me on, helps me when I go down the rabbit hole, and has done everything he can to gain knowledge on my super powers.
I was married once before but that is a whole other can of worms I won't get into now.
I live on a farm. (hopefully You gathered that from above. If not, I hope I cleared things up for you lol!!!)
I own my own subscription box company
I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 27 and finally decided to get some help for myself at 29.
I take snapchats when I'm having a bad day and although I don't send them to anyone on snapchat I love saving them to my phone and sending them to my friends when they are having a bad day.... I mean seriously, who can be upset when you are transformed into a dancing granny or a host of other random things?  (if that makes no sense and or you haven't heard of it, go download it now... Seriously. No, seriously.)
I have many more random quirky things about myself and will share them some other time. My goal is to keep my posts short because, well, I automatically blow off some blogs if it looks like too much work lol and don't want you to feel that way with me.

If you made it to the end of this YAY!!!  I'm so very proud of you and I'm pretty sure you're an ADHD Rockstar! Do a happy dance or take a snapchat selfie as a maniacal bunny... It's hilarious!

To end this I want to say that I hope you embrace your hot mess. ADHD is not a sentence, it's a super power!!!
Jess

Look at the bulls... wait, we don't have any bulls!!

Seriously this is my life.  Yesterday morning I was making coffee (aka life juice so I can do the whole walking, talking, comprehending thing) halfway listening to the kids conversations as they made their lunches before school and I looked out over the pasture in the beautiful morning light at the four young bulls running along the fence line.  "If they weren't so big they'd be cute!" I thought as I turned my attention to the chicken coop and saw snowflake aka Elsa, snow, snowball.. I can't keep up the kids change it constantly, jump out of the coop once again as the other hens protested from inside the jail cell.  Shaking my head I turned to grab my coffee cup and that's the moment my eyes re focused on the bulls... ummmm we don't have bulls!  In the moment of my realization three other sets of little eyes had followed my gaze.  All hell broke loose.
If you don't have little girls, or nieces you may not understand but little girls have a flare for drama and when I say flare I am truly putting it lightly.  Three little girls threw open the sliding glass door letting our three big dogs out into the back yard bordering the fence.  The dogs took it upon themselves to defend our honor and thankfully there was a fence in between the pasture and the back yard.  I can honestly say that between the screams and barking it took me a full minute to really realize our situation.  I stared longingly at the coffee pot as I was dragged by three sets of little hands to the front yard as the bulls ran out into the street.  We live out in the country however we still live close enough to other people that this is what really got my mind going.  The bulls were still too close for my comfort to get out of the security of our fence and property BUT I knew that their was a bus stop down the road and I had to figure out something quick. Despite the shrieking of my children I left the fenced area as soon as the bulls got to a comfortable distance away and proceeded to run towards the rodeo neighbors house (mind you I was wearing my yoga pants stuffed into my cowboy boots, my husband's flannel shirt and who knows what the heck my hair looked like)  Mid run I hear even louder screaming coming from the direction of my yard I turn around just in time to see our golden lab running past me charging the bulls.  I will not tell you what I said at this point in time because it was foul and not appropriate for every one's ears.  So now I'm chasing a dog who is in turn chasing bulls..... fan freaking tastic.  Thank goodness for once in her life Goldie listened and I caught up with her just in time to see a big truck block the road and a man waving as he chased his bulls down.  ALL before I've had my first cup of coffee.  Not cool bulls, not cool! #countryproblems