I saw a post with the quote above in it today while searching for something else on Pinterest and it stopped me dead in my tracks. I had never thought of it this way and probably never would have.
I think we as superheros are attracted to narcissistic and or controlling relationships in every aspect of our lives. Why? Because those personalities project a feeling of order they appear to have everything together, and in our lives we crave and seek that order most times because we can't find it in ourselves. My entire life I never understood why I couldn't fit in, why I constantly felt like I had to work 100 times harder than every other person in this world to be "normal"
Growing up and all until really five years ago or so I hated myself. I hated almost every single thing about myself.
Why? Well, that's a culmination of a million things grouped with the fact that I wasn't surrounding myself with the right people. In fact I was surrounding myself with the people who poisoned me instead.
I was married to my ex husband for seven years when I finally had the insight to run. I would have kept running If I didn't have my two girls, as far away from that man as humanly possible. He didn't believe in medicine and or adhd and when I was diagnosed during our divorce he tried convincing me that it was pretty much a life sentence of being alone and always being a screw up. No one would ever love me.. I would always, always be alone. It wasn't just him though, it was a broken record of every relationship. Even after him. I was chastised and belittled, made to feel guilty about things that were out of my control and blamed for things that went wrong in their lives. I was told that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and only crazy people took medicine. No one else would ever love me so they will let me stay. The sad part about all of this is that while most or all of this was really said to me by a significant other, but this was also constantly said to me by me.
Well, at the time I couldn't see through it all and I can't begin to tell you how I got where I am now. Because, well you know how long those stories could go and the side stories off of those stories and the ones off of those..... What I want to say here now is that I was wrong. I accepted what I thought and or was told by people (including myself) that really did not care about me. I found out that taking medicine is not for crazy people. Taking medicine helps me to not be a crazy person. I guess crazy is the wrong word there. It helps me do the walking talking have conversations like a grown up thing. It doesn't make me normal. Or get rid of my adhd and I honestly wouldn't want it to but it does help my brain to define and slow down my thoughts. It's like putting on glasses that are the right prescription and looking around and seeing that leaves have definitive lines. I've also learned coping skills like laughing when something random happens (I don't know if it's an adhd thing or not but the craziest things happen to me) if I didn't learn to laugh at the fact that I tripped on air or. That I spilled. My coffee..... Again or that I ruined my new shoes because I had to chase a dog who was chasing my chicken... Good times. I'd probably. Be mad all. Of the time. Seriously though it's laughable and incredulously impressive at times the situations I find myself. I will be writing another post on that soon
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You know what's crazy really? That I didn't realize sooner that I was a big part of what was holding me back. I was contributing to the abusive relationships. When I did realize that my life changed.
I think we as superheros are attracted to narcissistic and or controlling relationships in every aspect of our lives. Why? Because those personalities project a feeling of order they appear to have everything together, and in our lives we crave and seek that order most times because we can't find it in ourselves. My entire life I never understood why I couldn't fit in, why I constantly felt like I had to work 100 times harder than every other person in this world to be "normal"
Growing up and all until really five years ago or so I hated myself. I hated almost every single thing about myself.
Why? Well, that's a culmination of a million things grouped with the fact that I wasn't surrounding myself with the right people. In fact I was surrounding myself with the people who poisoned me instead.
I was married to my ex husband for seven years when I finally had the insight to run. I would have kept running If I didn't have my two girls, as far away from that man as humanly possible. He didn't believe in medicine and or adhd and when I was diagnosed during our divorce he tried convincing me that it was pretty much a life sentence of being alone and always being a screw up. No one would ever love me.. I would always, always be alone. It wasn't just him though, it was a broken record of every relationship. Even after him. I was chastised and belittled, made to feel guilty about things that were out of my control and blamed for things that went wrong in their lives. I was told that I wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and only crazy people took medicine. No one else would ever love me so they will let me stay. The sad part about all of this is that while most or all of this was really said to me by a significant other, but this was also constantly said to me by me.
Well, at the time I couldn't see through it all and I can't begin to tell you how I got where I am now. Because, well you know how long those stories could go and the side stories off of those stories and the ones off of those..... What I want to say here now is that I was wrong. I accepted what I thought and or was told by people (including myself) that really did not care about me. I found out that taking medicine is not for crazy people. Taking medicine helps me to not be a crazy person. I guess crazy is the wrong word there. It helps me do the walking talking have conversations like a grown up thing. It doesn't make me normal. Or get rid of my adhd and I honestly wouldn't want it to but it does help my brain to define and slow down my thoughts. It's like putting on glasses that are the right prescription and looking around and seeing that leaves have definitive lines. I've also learned coping skills like laughing when something random happens (I don't know if it's an adhd thing or not but the craziest things happen to me) if I didn't learn to laugh at the fact that I tripped on air or. That I spilled. My coffee..... Again or that I ruined my new shoes because I had to chase a dog who was chasing my chicken... Good times. I'd probably. Be mad all. Of the time. Seriously though it's laughable and incredulously impressive at times the situations I find myself. I will be writing another post on that soon
You know what's crazy really? That I didn't realize sooner that I was a big part of what was holding me back. I was contributing to the abusive relationships. When I did realize that my life changed.
Until next time
Jess
Jess
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